"I'm the Charlie Sheen of baseball without the drugs and a prostitute."
"I'm not a quitter. When I want to quit, I'll do a lot of stupid things and make sure they fire me and get paid."
"In the '80s and '90s, people made a lot of money and built houses. The first thing they put in their houses was a gym. In my house, the first thing I built was a bar. The second thing I built was another bar."
"I believe him because he's a real religious guy. Someone else tells me they have a migraine, I know they are hung over." On former White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink, who once told Guillen he was too ill to pitch:
"I tell my kids to be careful who they have sex with. Pick the right woman, because that kid is going to be a Guillen for the rest of his life."
"Even my wife told me Minnesota is coming to town. I said, 'Good, you dating somebody from there?' Who cares?"
"My mother isa high school principal. My brother is an engineer. One of my little sisters is a doctor. Another is a teacher. When you come from that kind of family and only get to eighth grade, it's kind of weird and awkward. But I make more money."
"I tell my kids all the time: When you're about to do something stupid, think about your mom. Why? Because she's the one that's gonna suffer inside."
Radio exchange: Mike North- "How you doing, Ozzie?" Ozzie Guillen - "Oh, shut the [bleep] up."
"I just let him know I don’t like him the first day I see him, and I think he feels the same way about me. And we have to move on.”About an MLB Umpire
"If my kids were on the field, they were going to get their [butts] kicked. What's Ozzie [Jr.] going to do? Eat somebody. My other one is 20 pounds and the other one is only 14. One is a baby, one is too little, another one, the only thing he can do is eat somebody or drink somebody." When asked if his kids were involved in a 2006 brawl vs. the Cubs.
On the missing Bartolo Colon: "I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan. He might watch the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he's in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney (Guillen's son) will call me and say he's there. Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit."
“I hope I die on the field. I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that’s it. I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn’t feel bad because that’s what I've always wanted to do."
During an argument with a MLB Umpire: "You're not even a pimple on your daddy's [butt]"
On rival manager Buck Showalter: “[Showalter] never even smelled a jock in the big leagues. Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A. I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I’m better looking than him.”
""A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best stuff in town. Now we're [bleep]. ... We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]. The Cubs haven't won in 100 years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody."
"What attracted me to my wife is she's hot. She's also nice, she's a great mom - but that comes after she's hot."
"Sean Penn, if you love Venezuela please move to Venezuela for a year … But rent a house in Guarenas or Guatire to see how long you last, clown."
On annoying fans: “I've got two people here that drive me crazy. They are all over me, and I'm like 'Shut up, you drunk.' It's easy to make moves when you're drunk.”